Fifty Shades of Grey - E.L. James
This was a poorly written, utterly ridiculous, never ending mess as a fan fiction. The speed with which they "published" this indicates that they merely conducted a find and replace on the names and did not put in a good faith edit or rewrite the highly problematic storylines (read: the entire thing). The writing is insipid and juvenile. The characters are static, one dimensional, and unbelievably vacuous. (And also sound suspiciously and consistently British though they are supposed to be American.) In addition to the theft of intellectual property committed here it is not worth your time. If you like reading about incredibly stupid women, females being treated like the family pet in a relationship and marriage (outside of the poorly executed initial BDSM relationship), and no character development do a Google search for "Master of the Universe" and you'll find a residual copy of the original floating around. Save yourself the money and don't reward this unethical enterprise.Added: A summary of Fifty Shades of Grey Master of the Universe.Written to save a friend the . . . effort. . . of reading this – may my brain's sacrifice not be in vain. This story is not original fiction, therefore names will not be changed from the original as I will not protect this author or her "publisher."*Language Warning*Bella: *Literally Falls into Edward's Life*Edward: That was cute.Bella: Uhhhh, interview?Edward: You're hot, be my sub.Bella: Uhhhhh, bye!Edward: *chases* Here, sign this contract.Bella: o_OEdward: It's cool, trust me.Bella: Uhhhh, I'm about the vanilla sex.Edward: The...what? What is this you speak of? I need whips and chains and thangs.Bella: Well, you are hot and stuff. So, sure. Oh, did I mention I'm a virgin?Edward: You're a...what? What the hell is that? I didn't think those existed anymore. That's okay, I'm cool. And I can totally do soft for you. *battering rams hymen with giant Edward penis*Bella: BEST THING EVAR, OMG!Edward: So, now, about the whips and chains and thangs. I mean, this writer doesn't know shit about BDSM so it's going to be pretty ridic, but you'll like it, I swear.Bella: Uhhhhh, well, you're still hot. And I did give you my virginity after 72 hours. So sure!Edward: *heaven*Bella: OMGWTFBBQDNW!Edward: Dammit.Bella: YOU'RE A SADIST?!Edward: I'm not a sadist. I just like beating women to get off. God, get it right.Bella: . . .Edward: So, no?Bella: It's not my thing.Edward: Well, it's only been 72 hours but I...uhm, something, you. Care, yeah, that's the word. You don't have to be my sub. I'll do the *gulp* vanilla. But you can't touch my chest...*lipstick road map*...here.Bella: Why?Edward: No reason, everywhere else is fine though!Bella: Sweet!Edward: Sigh.[Sex.][Sex.][Sex.][Sex.][Sex.]Bella: Baw baw baw baw.Edward: Still?[Sex.]Bella: I can't make you happy you need the other stuff and I can't do it so I gotta go.Edward: But, but but but, your birth control hasn't even kicked in yet! Baaaaawwwwwwwww.Bella: *depression so deep she loses 10 pounds in like five days*Edward: *depression so deep he...does something. IDEK. Whines to his former Domme about it*[Some contrived event that gets them together.]Edward: I can't live without you I need you please come back and I'll be all vanilla-y and you need to accept that I don't need the kink anymore.Bella: But but but butEdward: OMFG, SHUT UP AND DO ME.Bella: OKAY.[Sex.][Sex.][Sex.][Sex.]Irina: Hi, I'm the ephebophile that dragged Edward into BDSM at 15 even though I'm his mom's BFF.Edward: Oh, hey.Bella: WHAT?! I'm calling pedobear.Irina: Oh get over it. There was a five year statute of limitations after he turned 18, so neener neener. Also, he's never going to be able to stay vanilla for you. And if you hurt him again I'll gut you.Bella: Bitch please, don't you have young boys to seduce? God dammit. Edward, keep this pedo-bitch away from me.Edward: Pedo? What are you even? It wasn't like that.Bella: It's a good thing you're pretty.Edward: Yeah, I am aren't I? She's just a friend, I've known her forever, it's cool. Let's fuck.Bella: God, I hate you people. Okay.[Start of an argument.][Edward stops it with sex.][Start of an argument.][Edward stops it with sex.][Sex.][Sex.]Bella: I'm on my period.Edward: Like I care. *yanks the tampon right out of her and plunges in* (Yes, that happens.)[Start of an argument.][Edward stops it with sex.][Sex.][Sex.]Bella: I'd like to work some of your kinky stuff into the sex.Edward: Sigh. No, you don't. God you are so annoying confusing.Bella: No, really, I liked some of it. So we can do a little. Plus you have that super red room of pain just sitting there gathering dust. Might as well do something. Edward: Yeah, that's true, I was going to turn it into an in-house therapist's office because we both probably need Dr. Banner to move in here and just be on call. I'm 50 Shades of fucked up. And you're you.[Edward backstory with his crackwhore mom and her pimp who abused the crap out of him and put cigarettes out on him.]Bella: Yeah, I mean you do need more therapy. Jesus, you're nuts. BUT YOU'RE MY 50 SHADES AND I LOVE YOU AND I'M GOING TO CALL YOU THAT FOR THE REST OF FOREVER. But seriously, you're nuts.Edward: Takes one to know one.Bella: Shut up and tie me up.Edward: Okay![Sex.][Sex.][Edward psychotic behavior.][Bella acts like an idiot.][Sex.]Lauren: Oh, hi, I'm his former sub and I look like you and I'm crazzyyyyyy. Edward: Oh, crap.Bella: OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME AND HE HAD OTHER WOMEN. WHAT? YES, OBVIOUSLY I KNEW HE DID BUT IT'S STILL A BIG DEAL AND WHAT IF HE WANTS HER BACK SHE'LL DO THE KINKY STUFF I WON'T AND SHE LOOKS LIKE ME WHAT DOES THAT MEAN OMG.Lauren: Really? You gave up subs for this? Lemme just shoot the bitch.Edward: No, please don't. I'll give you a bath.Lauren: Okay.Bella: WHAT DO YOU EVEN MEAN YOU GAVE HER A BATH. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE HER A BATH. OMG EDWARD. THAT IS NOT EVEN OKAY.Edward: Sex? Bella: Sigh. Yes.[Start of an argument.][Edward stops it with sex.][Sex.][Sex.]Bella: Okay, so about all your subs looking alike and how I look like all your subs...Edward: Uh, that's a coincidence. Bella: . . .Edward: Okay, fine, you all look like the crackwhore. I like being a sadist on women who look like my birth mom.Bella: YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T A SADIST!!Edward: I lied. Sue me.Bella: I..WHAT..YOU..BUT...GAH!Edward: Do I even have to ask?Bella: . . . no.[Sex.][Sex.][Sex.][Start of an argument.][Edward stops it with sex.]Edward: I wish you'd let me buy you a job.Bella: No, I'm doing this on my own. Edward: But I have like all the money in the world. Let me buy your career.[Sex.][Sex.][Sex.]Bella: Dude, back off. I'm doing this internship. My boss's name is James. What can go wrong?!Edward: Sigh. Fine. I hope you won't get pissed when I covertly buy the company.Bella: OMG, WHAT? YOU PSYCHO.Edward: Sex?Bella: Sigh. Okay, fine.[Email after email to each other.]Edward: Dude, you need to be careful what you write in e-mail. Bella: You don't, geez. It's always me.Edward: No one cares what I say.Bella: Whatever. I DO WHAT I WANT.Edward: NO, YOU DO WHAT I WANT. I THOUGHT I'VE ESTABLISHED BY NOW THAT I GIVE COMMANDS AND YOU FOLLOW THEM.Bella: THAT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN YOU DISTRACT ME WITH SEX. WHICH IS ALL THE TIME. BUT SINCE I'M AT WORK YOU CAN'T DO THAT AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.Edward: *SEETHES*[Edward psychotic behavior.][Bella acts like an idiot.]James: MuahahahahahaBella: What was that?James: Oh, nothing. You want me right?Bella: Seriously? Ew.James: Okay, let me rephrase that, I'VE READ YOUR E-MAILS, YOU WANT ME, RIGHT?Bella: Shit. *backs away slowly*James: Oh no you don't. *grabs*Edward: HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAYYYYY (oh, and my bodyguard is here too, whatever.)Bella: *Collapses*Edward: I FUCKING TOLD YOU, BITCH.Bella: I'm sorry?Edward: *ANOTHER IN A LINE OF MANY TANTRUMS*Bella: God, and you talk about me. I'M SORRY.Edward: Really angry sex?Bella: Is that even a question?[Sex.][Sex.]Edward: Oh, by the way, even though you had only been an intern there for a week you're being promoted to replace James as an executive editor or something. This totally makes sense and the rest of the staff is going to be more than fine with it. But I swear I had nothing to do with it.Bella: OMG OMG OMG!!![Sex.][Sex.][Edward psychotic behavior.][Bella acts like an idiot.][Sex.][Sex.][Start of an argument.][Edward stops it with sex.][Sex.][Sex.][Sex.][Start of an argument.][Edward stops it with sex.]Bella: You did...something, okay you really didn't do anything but love me or whatever approximation of love you're able to manifest me but I'm really insecure and therefore I have to question everything even if it's nothing, so you did something that makes me think this relationship that has lasted only two months and like 88 chapters is not going to work.Edward: OH GOD NO. NOT THIS AGAIN. UHHHHH *drops to knees* I'LL BE YOUR SUB.Bella: What? Uh, no, dummy. Do I look like I could be a Domme? Jesus. But I guess this means you really love me.Edward: Duh. Oh, and you can touch my chest now! Bella: OMG, you love me so much. IT'S A BDSM MIRACLE!Edward: Remember that package I gave you? Open it.Bella: Present! *opens* YES I'LL MARRY YOU OMG!Edward: Score! –––I wrote this summary quickly and forgot about a lot of things, for instance:*Edward's "twitchy palm" (AKA this threats of physical abuse against Bella in their "vanilla" relationship).*Bella's feather boa wearing "Inner Goddess" and bespectacled "Subconscious" dancing around and talking to her like corporeal beings. But she is completely sane and rational!*A helicopter crash or some such ridiculous shit that totally makes sense you guys because it's super dramatic.It honestly is worse than you think.–––My Fifty Shades Darker review. My Fifty Shades Freed review. My review of the Bundle. It includes some important points I didn't include in these reviews.Links of Interest